Alakardiel: The Mary Sue That Wasn't
by Writer From Rivendell
Summary: According to the Barrow Wight: A hapless fan fiction writer learns what it really means to join the Fellowship of the Ring.
1. Enter an irrate Tolkien

Chapter I  
  
(A/N - I am new to ff.net, and am not used to uploading documents. Please feel free to give out pointers/ show me where mistakes have been made. Also, please note that this first chapter does include Tolkien and Peter Jackson - however, it does not use them as central characters, and after this they will not be mentioned again. Thank you!)  
  
"Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a land that was not near Middle Earth, but somewhat close to it, there lived a beautiful girl named Telepardawen . . ."  
  
Laura surveyed her work with pride. Another romantic fanfic written, yet another self-insert where the beautiful heroine is sucked into J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth, joins the Fellowship, and makes Legolas fall madly in love with her before she sacrifices herself completed. She smiled self- satisfied, then began to type the last sentence - "And though Telepardawen was gone, the Fellowship knew that they would be able to move on, that if she lived on in their hearts, that they would be able to cope. The En . . ."  
  
But that was as far as she got. For as Laura began to type the last words, The End, something strange happened. A wind began to blow into the room, coming, it seemed, from the computer screen of all things. The room melted and flowed, replaced by what seemed to be a dimly lit library, or study. Laura screamed. Sitting before her was the last person she ever wanted to see - the Master of Middle Earth, the man who created the Elves, hobbits, and the Istari - J.R.R. Tolkien. Standing by his side was Peter Jackson.  
  
Tolkien smiled at her, and said something in Elvish, then frowned when he realized that she had not understood. "Another fan girl. Why couldn't you have consulted me, Peter, before going ahead and making my books into movies? Very well. What am I going to do with you?" he asked, turning to Laura.  
  
Laura stammered something incoherent, about how she had read the books, but they were so long - how was anyone supposed to remember everything that happened?  
  
Tolkien gave her a disapproving look. "I will give you one chance to redeem yourself. I will ask you a question out of my books, and if you answer it correctly, then you will be excused, and allowed to go back to writing your fan fiction, or whatever you call it. Here is your test: What is the name of Legolas' father?" he asked.  
  
"Er, I . . . um . . . Elrond?" Laura squeaked.  
  
Both Tolkien and Peter Jackson gave her a disapproving look. "Wrong." announced Tolkien.  
  
"Dead wrong." echoed Peter Jackson.  
  
"Now that you have proven yourself uneducated in the lays of Middle Earth, you have two choices." stated Tolkien. "To either attend the same lecture that Mr. Jackson will be at, which is four hours long, and recounts every aspect of The Lord of the Rings, but mostly why Haldir of Lorien does not die, and why Arwen did not ride to save Frodo; or to enter Middle Earth, and become the tenth member of the Fellowship, not being written into the novel, but experiencing the same hardships as they, and learning what it really means to be an elf. Choose now, and choose wisely."  
  
Laura thought hard for a moment. "So, like, I get to join the Fellowship?" she asked after a long pause.  
  
"Yes." answered Tolkien.  
  
"Okay then - I choose option number two: I mean, joining the Fellowship will be so much fun - I mean, like, think about it! I get to meet Legolas . . ." she trailed off.  
  
Tolkien gave her a long look. "As you wish, you shall join the Fellowship. During your stay in Middle Earth, you will be gifted with three abilities: to speak Westron, to speak both Quenya and Sindarin, and to use a bow. Your joining their quest will begin in precisely one minute. You have that long to change your decision."  
  
He pulled a large watch on a gold chain out of his pocket, and began counting down the seconds. "Thirty seconds. Fifteen. Ten. Goodbye, Miss Donaldson. Good luck on your journey."  
  
A large hole suddenly opened in the floor where Laura was standing. She fell through it with a resounding cry, and landed in a seat around a table at the Council of Elrond.  
  
She looked around her surroundings warily. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary - indeed, everything looked as it did in the Fellowship of the Ring motion picture.  
  
Satisfied, she turned to the elf sitting next to her. "Hello. My name is Alakardiel, but you can call me Ala. Who are you?"  
  
The dark- haired elf smiled. "My name is Legolas Thranduillion."  
  
Her mouth fell open. "What?" she shrieked; "Leggy's not a blonde!"  
  
Back in the study, Tolkien and Peter Jackson looked on, laughing inwardly when they heard Laura's reaction.  
"Silly chit. It makes me wonder how bad things have become, down there on Earth." said Tolkien, suppressing a smile.  
  
"Very bad." said Peter gravely. "When I made the movies, I thought that only those that really cared about the books would come - but things have gone downhill. I know that I made the story understandable to even the worst of the fan girls, and I'm sorry that I did, now that I've seen them."  
  
Tolkien looked over at the film director and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Peter, but apologizing for making the films will not make me change my mind. Now you'd better leave - the lecture begins in ten minutes. Next time you'll know to ask the author before you make a movie off of their book."  
  
Peter Jackson scowled and made his way out of the room. As he left, he could be heard muttering, "I thought you were dead."  
  
Whether Tolkien heard him or not is unknown. However, if he did hear him, then he did not acknowledge it, just picked up his pipe and novel, and began to read once more.  
  
End Chapter I. Chapter II - Laura sets off with the Fellowship, and soon learns the meaning of a league. (A/N - Please tell me what you think of formatting, etc. Also, please tell of any spelling or grammar mistakes you find, or mistakes in canon.) 


	2. The Council of Elrond According to Alak...

Disclaimer: The only part of this story I can lay claim to is Laura/Alakardiel, and even then I'm not sure, as she has a mind of her own. The rest belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien's estate.   
  
A/N - Much of the following is quoted word for word from "The Fellowship of the Ring". Page numbers will be listed at the end of the chapter. Also, if you find any typos, spelling mistakes, etc, please point them out. Thank you. Finally, please note that while this chapter may seem boring (after all, it's just the council from the book with some extra commentary!) other chapters will be different. *Laughs evilly* Much different.   
  
Chapter II  
  
The others present at the council turned and stared blankly at the elf maiden's strange cry. Why had she reacted so strangely when introduced to Thranduil's son?  
  
  
  
"Are you quite all right?" asked Elrond, looking up from his conversation with another elf.  
  
  
  
Alakardiel looked up and gave him a forced smile. "I am fine, thank you."  
  
  
  
"Are you sure? For you shouted something in a tongue none of us here understood. Would you prefer not to hold council with us?" inquired Elrond.   
  
  
  
"I was just taken by surprise, that was all. I had not expected to meet Legolas Thranduillion, that is all." replied Alakardiel stiffly.   
  
  
  
Elrond nodded. "Let the council begin."   
  
  
  
Elrond drew Frodo to a seat by his side, and presented him to the company, saying: "Here, my friends, is the hobbit, Frodo, son of Drogo. Few have ever come through greater peril, or on an errand more urgent."  
  
Elrond continued to introduce all those present to Frodo. Alakardiel nearly fell asleep, until the time he told Frodo about her. "Here is Alakardiel, an elf come from the Havens with Galdor."  
  
  
  
She snorted. An elf from the Havens indeed She was an elfin princess, the last of a fading race of elfs, and she wanted to be recognized for it   
  
  
  
A voice rang through her mind. "No, you are from the Havens, a companion of Galdor, not a princess, no matter what you may wish. And for the final time, it's Elves, not elfs."   
  
  
  
Alakardiel gulped and sat up from where she was slouched down in her seat. Now Boromir had asked what had become of Gollum and Aragorn was telling him of the wretched creature's imprisonment. She slid back down and began to fall asleep, until suddenly, Legolas sprang from his seat.   
  
  
  
"Alas, alas " he cried, and in his fair elvish face there was great distress. "The tidings I was sent to bring must now be told. They are not good, but only now have I learned how evil they may seem to this company. Smeagol, who is now called Gollum, has escaped."  
  
  
  
Alakardiel sat up again. "This is more like it " she thought to herself.   
  
  
  
"Escaped?" cried Aragorn. "That is ill news indeed. We shall all rue it bitterly, I fear. How came the folk of Thranduil to fail in their trust?"  
  
  
  
"Not through lack of watchfulness," said Legolas, "but perhaps through over-kindliness. And we fear the prisoner had help from others, and that more is known of our doings than we could wish. We guarded this prisoner day and night, at Gandalf's bidding, much though we wearied at the task. But Gandalf bade us hope still hope for his cure, and we had not the heart to keep him ever in the dungeons under the earth, where he would fall back into his old, black thoughts."  
  
  
  
"You were less tender to me." said Gloin with a flash in his eyes. Alakardiel remembered reading 'The Hobbit' (or most of it), and nodded in agreement.   
  
  
  
"Now come " said Gandalf. "Pray do not interrupt, my good Gloin. That was a regrettable misunderstanding, long set right. If all the grievances that stand between elves and dwarves are to be brought up here, we may as well abandon this council."  
  
  
  
Alakardiel sighed, regretful. She had wanted to see a fight between the old dwarf and the weird elf who was NOT Legolas.  
  
  
  
Gloin rose and bowed, and Legolas continued. "In the days of fair weather, we lead Gollum through the woods; and there was a high tree above others which he liked to climb. Often we let him mount up to the highest branches, until he felt the free wind; but we posted a guard at the tree's foot. One day, he refused to come down, and the guards had no mind to climb after him: for he had learned the trick of clinging to boughs with his feet as well as with his hands; so they sat by the tree well into the night.  
  
  
  
"It was that very night of summer, yet moonless and starless, that Orcs came on us at unawares. We drove them off after some time; they were many and fierce, but they came from over the mountains, and were not used to the woods. When the battle was over, we found that Gollum was gone, and his guards were slain or taken. It then seemed plain to us that the attack had been made for his rescue, and that he knew of it beforehand. How that was contrived we cannot guess; but Gollum is cunning and the spies of the Enemy are many. The dark things that were driven out in the year of the Dragon's fall have returned in greater numbers, and Mirkwood is again an evil place, save where our realm is maintained.  
  
  
  
"We have failed to recapture Gollum. We came upon his trail among that of many Orcs, and it plunged deep into the forest, going south. But ere long it escaped our skill, and we dared not continue the hunt, for we were drawing nigh to Dol Guldur, and that is still a very evil place; we do not go that way."  
  
  
  
"Well, well, he is gone," said Gandalf. "We have no time to seek for him again. He must do what he will. But he may play a part yet that neither he nor Sauron have foreseen."  
  
  
  
When it became clear that the weirdo elf (Alakardiel refused to think of him as Legolas, believing that his appearance being different was due to his lack of being present at the council, that someone else, perhaps a distant relative, was standing in for him.) was going to say no more, Alakardiel sank down in her seat again, and drifted off completely, until the forming of the Fellowship of the Ring, when Legolas elbowed her to wake up.   
  
  
  
"Pst " he hissed. "Elrond Half-Elven is about to decide what must be done with the Ring, and Mithrandir is looking over this way "  
  
  
  
Alakardiel sat up and looked around groggily. "Wha?" she asked stupidly. "What's going on?"  
  
  
  
Legolas chose to ignore her, and turned his attention once more to the events at hand.  
  
  
  
Silence fell over the council. Apparently, she had missed something important. For a long while, no one spoke. Then, suddenly, a small voice broke the quiet.   
  
  
  
"I will take the Ring," said Frodo. "Though I do not know the way."   
  
  
  
Elrond raised his eyes and looked at Frodo. "If I have understood aright all that I have heard," he said, "I think that this task is appointed for you, Frodo; and that if you do not find a way, no one will."  
  
  
  
Alakardiel, suspecting that Elrond was going to begin a long and boring rant again, sunk back down in her chair, waiting for the Fellowship to be formed. She waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, when it seemed as if nothing was going to happen, she heard a yell and a clatter come from a corner of the room. Sam had jumped from his hiding place.   
  
  
  
"But you won't send him off alone surely, Master?" cried Sam, unable to contain himself any longer, and jumping from the corner where he had been quietly sitting on the floor.   
  
  
  
"No indeed " said Elrond, turning towards him with a smile. "You at least shall go with him. It is hardly possible to separate you from him, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."  
  
  
  
Sam sat down, blushing and muttering. "A nice pickle we've landed ourselves in, Mr. Frodo " he said, shaking his head.  
  
  
  
  
  
Nearly two months had passed in the House of Elrond, and another was passing when another council was held in Imladris, this time to decide the companions that were to travel with Frodo and the Ring. Alakardiel had just fallen asleep again when she was roused by Elrond's saying something she felt was important.   
  
  
  
"The Company of the Ring shall be ten." Here he paused, and looked up, dazed. "Ten? Why did I choose ten? There are only nine Riders." he muttered. Clearing his throat, he continued. "The Company of the Ring shall be ten; and the Ten Walkers shall be set against the Nine Riders that are evil. With Frodo and his faithful servant Gandalf will go; for this shall be his greatest task, and maybe the end of his labors. For the rest, they shall represent the other Free Peoples of this World: Elves, Dwarves, and Men. Legolas shall be for the elves; and Gimli son of Gloin for the dwarves. They are willing to go at least to the passes of the mountains, and maybe beyond. For men you shall have Aragorn, son of Arathorn, for the Ring of Isildur concerns him closely."  
  
  
  
"Strider " cried Frodo.   
  
  
  
"Yes," he said with a smile. "I ask leave once again to be your companion, Frodo."   
  
  
  
"I would have begged you to come," said Frodo, "only I thought you were going to Minas Tirith with Boromir."  
  
  
  
Minas Tirith. Ugh, thought Alakardiel. They're going to be boring again, so I'll just go to sleep . . .  
  
  
  
She was roused but a moment later by an irritated Legolas, who felt that her going to sleep during most parts of the council was uncouth.   
  
  
  
"Wake up " he hissed into her ear. "Master Elrond is staring at you again "  
  
  
  
She blinked and sat up. "Fine. I'll try and stay awake."  
  
  
  
"You should have no trouble doing so, unless you prefer resting to listening to important council." retorted Elrond, who had apparently heard her comments.   
  
  
  
She sighed, and sat up straighter. "Beg pardon."she found herself saying. "I only found it difficult to stay awake because of my own insolence, not because I find the council itself unnecessary. Please forgive me for interrupting you, Master Elrond - I did not mean to cause any harm. I simply wish to accompany the Company on their Quest. I was up late last night preparing to leave at a moment's notice, if you would but give me leave to go with them."   
  
  
  
"What?" She thought angrily, "Why did I say that? That's not what I meant to say!"  
  
  
  
A thoughtful look crossed Elrond's face. "You wish to accompany the Fellowship?"   
  
  
  
"Yes, if you would grant me leave to do so. I feel that I should be able to accompany them, and represent those elves from the Havens. I know that I am but a maiden, but certainly you will need someone to help with the general day- to- day chores, such as cooking? I am the one to do so. And besides, if worse comes to worst, and if there is another warrior needed, I am skilled with both a sword and knife." answered Alakardiel. She quickly clapped a hand over her mouth, and began cursing inwardly at whoever it was that was controlling her words.   
  
  
  
Elrond nodded wearily. "So be it. You will be a companion to Frodo on his Quest, and a member of the company."  
  
  
  
Relieved that even though her words were being controlled by another she had been able to get into theFellowship, Alakardiel sighed. "So be it."  
  
  
  
Elrond also sighed, but for a different reason. "There remain two more to be found. These I will consider. Of my household I may find some that it seems good to me to send." he finally said.   
  
  
  
"But that leaves no place for us " cried Pippin in dismay. "We don't want to be left behind. We want to go with Frodo."  
  
  
  
"That is because you do not understand and cannot imagine what lies ahead."said Elrond.   
  
  
  
"Neither does Frodo." said Alakardiel, unexpectedly supporting the hobbit.   
  
  
  
Or trying to support him, for none heard her words. She had gone temporarily mute.   
  
  
  
"What?" She shrieked. "What's happened to me?"   
  
  
  
Her words sounded clear to her, but the others present made no indication that they had heard her.   
  
  
  
Deep within the recesses of her mind, the voice she'd hear earlier rang out. "Miss Donaldson, will you please refrain from stealing lines from the characters? You are here to observe Middle Earth, not to tamper within its affairs "  
  
  
  
"Sorry." said Alakardiel, (otherwise known as Laura) meekly.   
  
  
  
"Your apology is accepted. However, I have temporarily rendered you deaf and mute so that you will not interfere any further. Your hearing and ability to speak will be restored at the end of the council, when Elrond's son, Elladan, will come forth and give you something that you may find useful. Farewell "  
  
  
  
"What?" asked Alakardiel, angry that the voice had left her without any means of communicating with Legolas, whom, during this latest part of the council, she had resigned to chasing after once more. "How am I supposed to win Leggy's heart now that I can't talk to him? If I can't talk to him, and I can't hear what he says, how am I supposed to know if he loves me or not? What am I going to tell everyone back home when they ask where I've been and I say that I went to Middle Earth and didn't make Legsy-Wegsy fall in love with me?" she finished, exasperated.   
  
  
  
It was then that she noticed the stack of parchment, the quill, and ink pot that lay on the table before her.   
  
  
  
Frustration relieved, Alakardiel grinned wickedly, and began to write. Quickly, she scrawled a few lines across a piece of parchment, and thrust it at Leoglas.   
  
  
  
Appearing puzzled, he read the note slowly, a look first of amusement and then horror playing itself across his fair features.   
  
  
  
Almost instantly, he threw the letter down upon the table, and looked straight ahead, shocked into silence.   
  
  
  
Being very careful not to look at the elf maiden sitting next to him, he slowly slid the note across the table to Aragorn, whose advice and friendship he had come to appreciate in the past two months.   
  
  
  
Curious as to what could have scared the son of Thranduil so badly, Aragorn picked up the letter off the table, and read its contents.   
  
"Dear Legolas;" Alakardiel had written,   
  
"I luv u Will u marry me? I want to stay with u forever U r so hot I wrote this poem for u - read it and tell me what u think plz   
  
Oh Leggy is so nic and fine,   
  
I wish that he was mine.  
  
When he's around I feel so happy  
  
Its a really great feeling, not sappy  
  
When he marrys me, I'll feel so gud,   
  
Like my hearts not made of would.   
  
Oh Leggy dear, I will b tru,   
  
I only want to b with u.   
  
I LUV U, LEGGY   
  
LUV, Alakardiel"  
  
  
  
Aragorn dropped the note onto the table, and recoiled in horror. "What does this mean?" he whispered to himself, afraid that perhaps the maiden in the chair beside Legolas Thranduillion was not who she appeared to be.   
  
  
  
Alakardiel only grinned. Her note had worked Now Legolas would fall madly in love with her, and after they helped Frodo destroy the Ring, get married and live happily ever after.   
  
  
  
Satisfied, she slept through the last of the Council. No one bothered to wake her.   
  
  
  
  
  
It was less than a week later that the Company set out from Imladris, Alakardiel included, despite Legolas' desperate wish that she would stay behind.   
  
  
  
It was dusk, and the wind was blowing from the East, shredding the clouds as the Fellowship left Rivendell, walking out of the protection of the Valley.   
  
  
  
Alakardiel trudged along, growing less and less confident that they would be stopping any time soon. They had been walking for what felt like forever, and, though she was an elf, and did not tire easily, she found herself growing weary.  
  
  
  
Finally, she drummed up the courage to ask Mithrandir when they would be stopping. "Gandalf - Mithrandir? We have walked for many miles now, and the night is growing old. Should not we stop, and perhaps obtain some sleep?" she inquired timidly, trying to act the part of the maiden the wizard thought her to be.   
  
  
  
He turned and gave her a scrutinizing look. "Nay, Alakardiel. We still have five more leagues to cover, while it is still dark and we cannot be seen."  
  
  
  
She shot him a puzzled look. "A league? That's like, a half mile, right?"  
  
  
  
The wizard laughed and shook his head. "No indeed A league is three miles, Alakardiel "  
  
  
  
She suddenly paused mid-step as she realized exactly what he had said. "What?" She shrieked. "We have to walk fifteen more miles before the night is out? No!"  
  
  
  
Behind her, Legolas had to try hard to keep his laughter from escaping.   
  
End Chapter II.   
  
Chapter III - Alakardiel learns what "coneys" are, and Legolas finally overcomes his shock to tell her it's not melon, but mellon.   
  
  
  
Pages used out of FotR Ballatnine/Del Rey version:   
  
Part II, Chapter II, The Council of Elrond: Pages 269, 286-287, 303-304  
  
Part II, Chapter III, The Ring Goes South: Pages 309-310  
  
REPLIES TO REVIEWERS: These will occur at the end of each chapter. Depending on how many reviews there are, I may only address certain questions/problems. Flames will be ignored.  
  
Fly Without Wings: Thanks! It's not meant to bash Mary Sues, morely it's written just to show how bad those tenth member fics can be. :o)  
  
Tintinnabulation: Here's the second chapter. Hopefully, if all goes well, I'll have the third up by the end of this week, but that's not a sure thing. *Looks mournfully at essay she's supposed to be writing* But thank you for reviewing! 


	3. The Path of Dreams, Glorfindel, Stew, an...

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings. If I did, I would be dead - and where's the fun in that?  
  
A/N - The rating has been increased from G to PG, just to remain on the safe side. Also, this chapter is darker than the other, and less funny. (At least in my opinion.) The next one should be better, as the Fellowship *finally* reaches the Golden Wood.  
  
Chapter III   
  
Many a cold and bitter night had passed before Alakardiel began to grow used to the idea that they would not be reaching Moria - or even any time soon. In the beginning, soon after leaving Imladris, she had felt confident that they would arrive at the gates within a week, just like in the film, but now, two weeks later, she was not so sure. Walking all day and part of the night had begun to wear her down, and she was beginning to wish that she had never seen "The Fellowship of the Ring", or written fan fiction based in Tolkien's books. Hopeless, and desperately wishing to be sent back home, the only thing that kept her sane was the gift given to her by Elladan, a journal with the words; "Legolas perhaps achieved the least of the Nine Walkers" inscribed upon the first page.   
  
So far, she had not written anything in her notebook other than ways to convince Tolkien that she had repented, and would never write tenth member stories ever again, a few new fan fiction ideas (involving a girl joining the Fellowship and being horribly treated by Legolas before he realizes that he really likes her, and wants to marry her), and different schemes for making Legolas fall in love with her, for, since the note she had given him, he had avoided her as much as possible, volunteering to act as guard while she was asleep, and never talking to her unless asked a direct question. In fact, it was not until they arrived at the Gates of Moria that he even began to acknowledge her presence once more.   
  
Morning dawned, bright and clear, on the "icky land", as Alakardiel called it, of Hollin.   
  
Feeling merry after having reached Hollin so soon, Aragorn and Gimli, after consulting the other members of the Fellowship, were quick to light a fire, in hopes of having a good meal. Watching their progress from the sides, Alakardiel gulped. She knew now that her doom was upon her - she would be expected to cook their morning meal. For many days now, they had been eating only what they could prepare in a hurry, usually after the fall of night when it was too dark to really do any cooking. For many days, the Fellowship had been safe from the horror that was her cooking.   
  
Alakardiel winced as she remembered the last time she had tried to cook breakfast and failed miserably. "How was I supposed to know that pancakes were explosive? It's not my fault the kitchen curtains caught on fire!" She muttered to herself.   
  
She frowned as Aragorn approached her. "What do you want?" She snapped bitterly.   
  
Aragorn looked slightly taken aback at her harsh words. "Alakardiel, lady. We - the other members of the Company - thought that perhaps you might fix us a warm meal, for after all you did join with us volunteering to do the cooking," he reminded her gently, wary of her dark tone of voice.   
  
She threw a shoe at him and missed. "Go away. I'm not cooking." The words came out, not in Westron, as she had expected, but in English. She grimaced, almost certain of what would happen next.   
  
He gave her a blank look. "What was that you said, lady? I am not familiar with the words you spoke."  
  
"I said, 'I would be happy to prepare the meal, lord, if only you would give me the means to do so.'" Alakardiel replied, standing up and walking after her missing shoe.   
  
Aragorn nodded curtly. "I will see that you are given whatever you may need."   
  
Alakardiel groaned inwardly. "Hey - you! Whoever you are controlling my language skills, stop!" She hissed, trying to pull on her shoe as she walked toward the fire, only to trip as she did so and nearly fall headlong into the flames.   
  
She studied the camp fire warily. "Er - okay. What do you want me to fix?" She asked, looking at the hobbits.   
  
"Ahem," said a voice behind her. "If I may be of some assistance . . ."  
  
Alakardiel whirled around, thinking of who might be behind her. "Legsy!" She thought happily, her frustration vanishing. "He's talking to me! Now's my chance!"   
  
However, it was not Legolas Thranduillion that was addressing her. Rather, it was Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor.   
  
"Oh. It's you," she said in a bored tone, less than pleased to see him.   
  
"Yes, it is I. I was instructed to give this to you," said the man, handing her a large cloth sack.   
  
"Er - thanks, I think." Alakardiel replied, startled.   
  
"You are welcome," said Boromir cordially, turning and ambling away.   
  
She opened the sack and peered inside. Various cooking supplies were what greeted her gaze. "Great. They really do want me to cook," she muttered. A grin crossed her face. "This could be interesting."  
  
  
  
It was not more than an hour later that the Company was sitting down to a hot meal of stew, courtesy of Alakardiel. To their surprise, and immense delight, the stew she had prepared was quite delicious, and very filling. Even the hobbits, who had complained about the fare they had been receiving complimented her, and asked what she had put in to make it so tasty.   
  
"This is some of the best stew I've had in a long time, if you catch my meaning," said Sam, admiring her cooking skills. "What did you put in it to make it so good, Lady?"  
  
Alakardiel grinned wickedly. "Oh, nothing important. Just the normal ingredient, you know."  
  
"What sort of meat did you use," asked Sam, fishing a piece out of his nearly empty bowl. "Coney?"  
  
A blank look crossed her face. "Oh - no, I didn't think about making dessert, and I'm very sure we don't have any ice cream cones . . . " she bluffed.   
  
Sam rephrased his question patiently. "Did you use coney meat?"  
  
"No. What's that?"   
  
"I believe what Master Samwise means is did you use rabbit meat in the stew," said Boromir, clearly amused.   
  
A look of horror crossed her face. "Ew! No! Gross! That's disgusting! I can't eat rabbit!" Alakardiel shrieked.   
  
"Then what did you use in the stew?" Aragorn inquired, somewhat shocked by her response.  
  
"I didn't use meat at all! I found a pile of sticks and used those instead!" She snapped, sulky.   
  
There was a long pause as the Company considered what this piece of information meant.   
  
"Well," said Aragorn haltingly, "Those were the best twigs I have ever tasted."  
  
Noticing the shocked looks on everyone's faces, it was all Alakardiel could do not to grin.  
  
Fortunately for Alakardiel, the chance for the Fellowship to be exposed yet again to the horror of her culinary skills did not come until much later. Late that night, while Sam, accompanied by Aragorn, was on guard duty, a regiment of black crows flew overhead, spying on them, Aragorn was sure, and watching over Hollin.  
  
" Regiments of black crows are flying over all the land between the Mountains and the Greyflood," he said, "and they have passed over Hollin. They are not natives here; they are crebain out of Fangorn and Dunland. I do not know what they are about; possibly there is some trouble away south from which they are fleeing; but I think they are spying out the land. I have also glimpsed many hawks flying high up in the sky. I think we ought to move again this evening. Hollin is no longer wholesome for us: it is being watched."  
  
"And in that case so is the Redhorn Gate," said Gandalf; "and how we can get over that without being seen, I cannot imagine. But we will think of that when we must. As for moving as soon as it is dark, I am afraid you are right."  
  
"Luckily our fire made little smoke, and burned low before the crebain came," said Aragorn. "It must be put out, and not lit again."   
  
Alakardiel could not help but smile. She was saved from cooking once again! "Yes! Thank you weirdo birds!" She thought joyously.   
  
Perhaps if she had known what next obstacle she would have to face she would not have been so happy.   
  
Miserable, wet, and feeling as if she would never see her lower legs again, Alakardiel trudged through the snow on Caradhras, following close behind Gandalf, and trying not to look behind at Legolas, who was walking on the snow as if it were no major feat.   
  
"Stupid elf," she muttered, "walking on the snow just as happy as can be."  
  
She looked down mournfully at her own feet, which were currently buried under six inches of snow, and had the sudden urge to push her darling Legsy down the side of the mountain. It was only for the sake of Boromir and Aragorn, whom she had come to respect, that she did not.   
  
A thought crossed her mind. "Hey - I'm an elf! Why can't I walk on the snow?"  
  
Cautiously, she lifted first one foot, then the other, and took a few small steps. The thin crust of snow held, and suddenly she found herself walking on top as calm as could be, wondering why she had not thought of trying to before.   
  
They tramped further on through the snow, until Alakardiel thought she would fall over from sheer exhaustion. "So what if I'm an elf, " she thought. "It doesn't mean that I'm used to climbing up mountains during a blizzard!"  
  
Finally, just when she thought that she couldn't take it anymore, and she would stop and sit down even if it meant freezing to death, the Company came to a halt.   
  
"We can go no further tonight," said Boromir. "Let those call it the wind who will; there are fell voices on the air; and these stones are aimed at us."  
  
Alakardiel craned her neck and looked up at the cliff face. She had thought the rocks falling had been a figment of her imagination, hallucinations brought on by exhaustion, but now that Boromir spoke of them, she knew them to be real. She shivered, not from cold, but from the sudden feeling of being watched.   
  
The rest of the Company continued to discuss what was to be done, until, having finally reached a decision, they all collapsed at the bottom of the cliff face, with Aragorn looking grim and the hobbits fighting hard to stay awake.   
  
Alakardiel no longer cared whether she stayed awake or not. Already she could feel herself slipping into sleep, and she welcomed that feeling. Within moments she was dreaming.   
  
"Oh Alakardiel," said the dream Boromir, "How has it been that I have lived so long without you by my side?"  
  
"Nay, Alakardiel, lady," interrupted dream Aragorn. "I am the one for you! I would willingly give up the love of Arwen Undomiel if only to stay by your side forever more."  
  
"Alakardiel! Do not let them play you false! I am your one true love - together you and I will rule Mirkwood forever!" Legolas proclaimed, having recently arrived in her imagined world.   
  
Just as she was about to run to Legolas and forsake the affection of Aragorn and Boromir, everything went black. Suddenly she was standing on her own, in the dark.   
  
"Where am I? What am I doing here?" She asked herself. "Where's Legolas?"  
  
There was no answer; instead, a voice began to sing.   
  
"Snow white! Snow white! O Lady clear!  
  
Queen beyond the Western Seas!  
  
O light to us who wander here,  
  
Amid the world of woven trees." The voice sang.   
  
"Oh," thought Alakardiel blankly. "I'm dying. Well, this isn't so bad. Might as well get it over with." Shrugging, when the voice began to sing again, she joined in, surprised that she knew the words.   
  
"Gilthoniel! O Elbereth!  
  
Clear are thy eyes, and bright thy breath!   
  
Snow white! Snow white! We sing to thee,   
  
In a far land beyond the Sea."  
  
To her immense surprise, her voice was high and clear, much different from at home, where she often sounded as if she'd swallowed a frog.   
  
"Yep. I'm dead. Have to be." A thought struck her. "Maybe I'll get to go home!"  
  
The singing stopped abruptly as a bright figure materialized before her. "Hello. I'm Glorfindel. I'll be your tour guide through the Halls of Mandos, seeing as I've . . . oh. It's you." The figure said, clearly disgusted.  
  
"Who are you?" Alakardiel asked, somewhat disappointed that she wasn't back home sitting in front of her computer.   
  
"I'm Glorfindel. Remember - you told me that I was stealing the spotlight from Arwen when I rescued Frodo, and when I explained to you that I had no idea what you were talking about, you told me that I was behind the times, and that the women of Arda were liberated now. " Answered Glorfindel, disgust clear in his voice.   
  
"Oh. Er . . . I didn't mean it?" Alakardiel said weakly, trying to convince Glorfindel she was innocent.   
  
He sighed rather loudly, in an un-elf like manner. "All the maidens that meet with me say such things."  
  
Noticing the blank look on her face, he said in a matter-of-fact voice; "You are not the first - surely you knew that."  
  
She pretended not to hear him. "Anyway - Glorfy. Where am I, and why am I here? Better yet, why are you here?"  
  
"You are on the way to the Halls of Mandos, traveling along the Path of Dreams." Glorfindel answered patiently, ignoring the nickname she had pawned for him.   
  
"You mean I'm not dead?" Alakardiel shrieked. "I went to sleep in the snow for nothing?"  
  
"You are an elf. You cannot die of exposure, only of a mortal wound, or grief." Glorfindel replied.   
  
Alakardiel muttered something of a profane nature under her breath.   
  
"I heard that," remarked Glorfindel.   
  
Alakardiel glared at him and stuck out her tongue.  
  
"Ai Valar - I was killed by a Balrog, spent part of my eternity in the Halls of Mandos and was reborn for this?" Lamented Glorfindel.   
  
Fortunately, Alakardiel was spared from answering, for at just that moment Aragorn shook her gently awake. "Lady Alakardiel- we have decided our path. We are turning back and going down the mountain."  
  
She sat up and yawned. "What an odd dream I had," she remarked, and thought nothing more about it.   
  
That night found the Company at the bottom of the mountain, holding council over which route to try next. Gandalf was against Redhorn Gate, and wished to try the Mines of Moria. Boromir wanted to travel through the gate past Isengard, and Aragorn was against going through the Mines, as were the hobbits, Legolas, and Alakardiel. She remembered well what was in the Mines from the movie - and she did not want to try them.   
  
"There's a Balrock in there," she thought, shivering with fright. "I don't want to be killed by a Balrock!"  
  
If only she had known that it was not a Balrock she was afeared of, but a Balrog, spawn of Morgoth - perhaps then she would not have been afraid.   
  
She would have been terrified.   
  
The small council disbanded with Frodo's words that they would vote again in the morning, and with those not on watch sitting round the fire and dozing.   
  
Alakardiel had just fallen into a deep sleep when the wolves came. Suddenly, she was no longer dreaming about wielding a sword - she was actually doing so, using her blade to try and kill wolves, marveling in the fact that despite her utter lack of knowledge about swordplay, she was managing to do very well at maiming her foes.   
  
She was not the only one killing wolves. Before her, Aragorn used his sword to slit the throat of one while Boromir hewed the head off another. Gimli was using his ax to the best of his skill, and the great bow of Legolas was singing.   
  
Suddenly, all went quiet as Gandalf began to chant in a harsh voice that sounded like thunder. "Naur an edraith ammen! Naur dan I ngaurhoth!" He cried.   
  
With a roar and a crackling sound, as of a great fire, the tree above him burst into flame. The swords and knives of the defenders gleamed eerily in the flickering light as the last of the wolves were defeated. The final arrow of Legolas burned as flew through the air to pierce the heart of the wolf chieftain.   
  
  
  
Dawn came, bringing no signs of more wolves, and bearing no signs of the fight that had taken place on the hilltop the night before, save for the arrows of Legolas, which were all whole, save one, of which only the point was left.   
  
"It is as I feared," said Gandalf. "These were no ordinary wolves, hunting for food in the wilderness. Let us eat quickly and go!"  
  
Alakardiel sighed, and shoved the rest of her breakfast into her mouth. "This is definitely not how I thought it would be," she thought wistfully. "By my schedule, we should be in that pretty elf wood by now with that hot march warden, not stuck here, tramping through the snow and Eru knows what else."  
  
Realizing what she had just thought, she shrieked, and tried not to think for the rest of the day.   
  
It was late, and the stars had already come out that night when the Company reached the Gates of Moria.  
  
"Well, here we are, and all ready," said Merry, "But where are the Doors? I can't see any sign of them."   
  
"Dwarf-doors are not made to be seen when shut," said Gimli. "They are made to be invisible, and their own masters cannot find or open them, if their secret is forgotten."  
  
"But this door was not made to be a secret known only to dwarves," said Gandalf, coming suddenly to life and turning round. "Unless things are altogether changed, the eye that knows what to look for may discover the signs."  
  
He walked forward to the wall. Right between the shadow of the trees there was a smooth space and over this he passed his hands to and fro, muttering words under his breath. Then he stepped back.   
  
"Look!" he said. "Can you see anything?"  
  
Alakardiel felt her mouth drop open as slowly but surely bright silver lines began to appear on the face of the rock, outlining a door, decorated with two trees, and a string of elvish words, which she could not read.   
  
"What does the writing say?" asked Frodo, who was trying to decipher the inscription on the arch. "I thought I knew the elf-letters, but I cannot read these."  
  
"The words are in the elven tongue of the West of Middle Earth in the elder days," answered Gandalf. "But they do not say anything of importance to us. They say only: The doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. And underneath small and faint is written: I, Narvi, made them. Celebrimbor of Hollin drew these signs."  
  
"What does it mean by 'Speak, friend, and enter'?" asked Merry.   
  
"That is plain enough," said Gimli. "If you are a friend, you speak the password and the doors will open, and you can enter."  
  
Alakardiel could not take it any longer. She knew the truth of the matter - she knew what must be said to open the doors. "It's a riddle! The answer is the elvish word for friend." She cried. She cleared her throat, and tried to sound impressive. "Melon."  
  
Nothing happened.   
  
"Melon." She said again, feeling puzzled as to why the doors would not open.   
  
Behind her a voice piped up, sounding faintly amused, "In Sindarin, the word you are looking for is Mellon, Alakardiel." Legolas informed her, a smug look on his face.  
  
Just as she was about to speak, a splash could be heard in the waters of the lake behind them. Boromir had thrown in a rock.   
  
Alakardiel gulped. She had been hoping to avoid this part of the story. "Mellon!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, hoping that the doors would open quickly, that they might be spared the horror of what was about to happen.   
  
At that moment, several things happened. The doors opened, and the Company dashed inside, up the steps, just as the Watcher in the Water awoke, and seized Frodo's ankle. Bill the pony let out a neigh of terror and bolted away. Sam ran after him, but hearing Frodo's cry stopped and ran to save his Master, slashing at the tentacle with his knife, and pulling Frodo back as the arm let him go. The water boiled and rippled, and a foul stench filled the air as twenty more arms rose out of the water.   
  
"Into the Gateway! Up the stairs! Quick!" Shouted Gandalf, leaping back.   
  
Alakardiel needed no prompting. She had already retreated up the stairs, and back into a corner, where she did not have to watch what happened next. Remembering this part of the motion picture, she squeezed her eyes shut tight and tried hard not to scream. "It doesn't kill anyone, it doesn't kill anyone, it doesn't kill anyone." She chanted, trying to stop up her ears from the sounds below.   
  
There was a shattering echo as the doors slammed shut and all light was lost. Alakardiel shrieked, then sighed, relieved. She knew what had happened. The doors had been broken. They were trapped in the Mines.   
  
Remembering what the Fellowship had found in the motion picture, she shuddered.   
  
She was trapped in a tomb.   
  
Chapter Four: Galadriel's other daughter? Alakardiel meets the Keeper of Nenya and looks into the Mirror of Galadriel with somewhat . . . interesting results.   
  
Pages used out of FotR: 320, 324, 336, 341, 342  
  
A/N - Writer From Rivendell (from here on WfR) would like to take this opportunity to say that Alakardiel's cooking experiences are not akin to her own. She has never, nor will ever, make explosive pancakes. Waffles, yes, pancakes, no. *Grin*. Also, she would like to do something she's never done before: Beg for reviews.   
  
Please review. 


	4. Trolls, Sues, and Puffs of Logic

Disclaimer - No, mommy, no - I don't want to own LotR! It's ridden with Sues!  
  
A/N - the "troll" Gurzak who appears in this chapter was volunteered by Hirotani. :o) The Sue who disappears in a puff of logic was donated kindly by Oracle from the PPC board.   
  
Also - Dedicated to Luhtarian and Hirotani, who made me work on this again.   
  
Wandering in the dark, terrified of being lost or, worse, being attacked by orcs, Alakardiel soon lost track of time. Minutes ran into hours, and hours into days. It was not until they reached the guard room, and Pippin dropped a stone down the well that she even knew what to expect again. Orcs, a battle, a Balrog, and a lost member of the Fellowship.   
  
The Orcs she could handle. Despite it not being mentioned, she found that she had some skill with a blade, and could defend herself if necessary. Which she knew it would be. Judging from the way that everything effective in saving lives seemed to be done with swords, she deemed that she would have to fight if she wanted to survive. Not that she necessarily did. Dying meant that she would possibly be free from Arda at last - which would meant that she would be able to go home.   
  
"It's not that I don't like it here in Arda," she thought, "it's just that I really miss being able to take a shower. And use actual shampoo. I wonder if elves have shampoo?"  
  
She shook her head and sighed. Being lost in the dark was driving her batty. Never mind that it wasn't totally dark - she could still see - it was the thought of the darkness and what lurked in it that frightened her.   
  
Regaining her resolve, she unsheathed her sword, and managed to use it to decapitate an Orc that came too close to running its blade through her.   
  
"Eek!" she shrieked, as its head fell at her feet. "That thing just got blood all over my boots!"  
  
An Orc nearby looked at her strangely. "Hey! That's not a 'thing'. It's one of my friends. Her name was Tiffaney!"  
  
Alakardiel backed away slowly. "What did you say?" She asked slowly.   
  
The goblin warrior sniffed. "I said, that was my friend Tiffaney you just killed."  
  
"Oh . . . um, okay. Since when are Orcs named Tiffaney?" Alakardiel inquired blandly.   
  
"Since now. It's a long story. To make it short, I wrote a really crappy story and posted it on some website as being a serious attempt at writing." The Orc answered.   
  
"Oh. You wrote a troll?"  
  
The goblin nodded. "Yes. It was only for laughs, mind you. I would never write a story that bad on purpose. After all - there are already too many serious stories where Legolas ends up falling for some beatiful girl with mysterious powers and a tragic past . . . too many Mary Sues." A thoughtful look, akin to a grimace, passed over its face. "I didn't think that they would take it so badly."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"The author of the orignal story. He turned me into a orc to help me learn the error of my ways. Although I don't know how it helps. Wish I could have been an elf."  
  
"I am." Alakardiel informed her smugly.   
  
"You didn't let me finish. I wish I could have been an elf - but I would never want to seriously write Mary Sues. Anyone that does is full of cra-"  
  
The goblin's head fell before she could finish her sentence.   
  
"Pity," thought Alakardiel grimly, wiping her blade. "Something tells me that she had a lot to teach me."  
  
She did not have long to dwell on that thought, however, for just then she noticed an Orc - a real Orc - that was about to attack one of the hobbits from behind. Or at least an Orc that she thought looked real. She raised her sword, only to watch in surprise as the Orc dropped their weapon.   
  
"You're a Sue, right?" it asked in a gruff voice.   
  
"Ye-es . . ." said Alakardiel, supicious. "Why should you care?"  
  
The Orc grinned. "My name's Gurzak, or at least that's what they call me here," it said. "I gave your Sue some constructive criticism, I think. You look familiar. Your Sue's name wouldn't happen to have been Telepardwen, would it?"  
  
Alakardiel took a step back. "Yes, I wrote the story about Telepardwen. Wait - you're that author? You flamed me!"  
  
The Orc shook its head. "No - I left criticism, not a flame. Flames are personal insults directed at the author, like the ones I got when I wrote that troll about Lothlinwen." The orc sighed. "It was a great troll, too . . . received loads of flames for it. Too bad the original author didn't take kindly to it. Eh. Being an Orc isn't too bad."  
  
Alakadiel took another step back. This writer, whoever they were, was beginning to scare her. "How did you know it was me," she asked, changing the subject.   
  
The Orc (she still couldn't think of it as being a fellow fan fiction author) shrugged. "Simple - to those not from Middle Earth, the Suvians look like the Sues they created. Right now, your eyes are turning violet, and your hair is an interesting color of mauve - you look really weird."  
  
Alakardiel sniffed haughtily. "Color changing eyes and flashing hair aren't that weird. Trolls, however, are."  
  
She raised her blade, ready to fend off the attack she was sure would come from the Orc.   
  
Gurzak smiled bemusedly. "No, they're not."  
  
She lowered her blade. "What do you mean?"  
  
"They're cliche. Almost every Sue I've seen has had special hair or eyes," said the Orc kindly.   
  
It was all Alakardiel could do not to gape as the Orc strode away to return to the battle at hand, its guise flickering to reveal a fan fiction author.   
  
She shook her head, and continued fighting, looking up only once to see if Gurzak had been killed yet.   
  
It was upon looking up that she saw an Orc - a real Orc this time - looming over her, holding a sword. Without warning, everything went black.   
  
When she came to, Gandalf was gone, she was outside on the back of a running Aragorn, and there was a rather nasty lump on her head.   
  
"Put me down!" She yelled, remembering a fic she had read where Aragorn had done something like this with an original character, only to torture her horribly. "Get your hands off me!"  
  
"As you wish, lady," said Aragorn, sounding slightly startled at her reaction. He stopped and set her gently upon the ground. "I meant no harm in carrying you - you were wounded, and could not run."  
  
Alakardiel sniffed haughtily for the second time that day. "Or so you would like me to think."  
  
Aragorn gave her a blank look. "As you would have it, lady."  
  
The Company resumed running.   
  
They reached the borders of Lothlorien by nightfall.   
  
It did not take long for Alakardiel to realize that this was not the Lothlorien she had seen in the movies. This wood was, in a sense, more ethreal, more real than she ever expected it to be. Listening to Legolas sing the song of Nimrodel she thought that perhaps she had never heard anything so beautiful. By the time the song ended, she had made a vow to find out exactly what befell Nimrodel and Amroth, and write an end to the song.   
  
The Company continued on, eventually turning away from the path and entering the deeper woods, soon coming on a cluster of great trees, their grey trunks wide and their height impossible to guess.   
  
"I will climb up," said Legolas. "I am at home among trees, by root or bough, though these are of a kind strange to me, save as a name in song. Mellyrn they are called, and are those that bear the yellow blossom, but I have never climbed in one. I will see now what is their shape and way of growth."  
  
"You mean to say we're going to spend the night in a tree?" Alakardiel inquired, looking up at the aforementioned mallorn, and wrinkling her nose. "Who is to say that we will not fall during the night?"  
  
Looking up, as if studying the tree, Legolas answered, "The boughs are wide. Those with good balance should fear no fall."  
  
Alakardiel sighed. "And what of those who are not sure of their balance and would wish to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground?"  
  
"Then dig a hole in the ground," said Legolas, "if that is more after the fashion of your kind. But you must dig swift and deep, if you wish to hide from Orcs." He sprang lightly from the ground and caught a branch that grew from the trunk high above his head. But even as he swung there for a moment, a voice spoke suddenly from the tree shadows above him.   
  
"Daro!" it said in commanding tone, and Legolas dropped back down to earth in surprise and fear. He shrank against the bole of the tree.   
  
Alakardiel smirked. "It's okay, I'll handle it," she informed the Company. Throwing back her head, she began to jabber away in Elvish with whoever it was above her, only to stop seconds later, looking as if she had been slapped. Taking a step back, she said no more.   
  
"What do they say?" Aragorn asked, wondering what words could have been exchanged that would have caused Alakardiel to withdraw from conversing.   
  
Alakardiel did not answer. Instead, it was Legolas, who had been listening to their conversation with mounting amusement who translated for the rest of the company.   
  
"They are part of my kin from the north. They heard my song of Nimrodel, and have been aware of us for quite some time. They tell Alakardiel she breathed so loud they could have shot her in the dark."  
  
Alakardiel, whose face had turned a magnificent shade of red, burst out, "No they did not, Legolas Thranduillion! They were referring to the dwarf!"  
  
Gimli, who had of late begun to lose some of his distrust in the Elves, merely snorted.   
  
"No," said Legolas, a smile playing across his face. "They were referring to you, I believe."  
  
Sulking, Alakardiel retreated to her own corner. It was not until the next day, after having spent the night in a tree, been blindfolded, and been coerced into crossing a bridge made of two pieces of rope that she spoke to any dwarf, elf, hobbit, or man, and even then it was only because she was brought before the lord and lady of the wood, Celeborn and Galadriel.   
  
As Celeborn greeted each member of the company in turn, Alakardiel found herself growing nervous. Here was her one chance to prove to Legolas that she really was elven royalty and worthy of his love, and she was not sure that she could do it. After what she had been shown of Lothlorien, she was no longer sure that would be able to get away with calling herself Galadriel's daughter.   
  
"Alakardiel of the Havens," Celeborn greeted her. "Welcome."  
  
It was then that her Sue-ishness took over. "Is that any way to greet your daughter," she lamented, "your daughter who has been wandering in the Wild for many years, only to settle in the Havens, waiting for the day when you and mother would arrive, waiting to cross the sea, and me with you?"  
  
Celeborn gave her a blank look. "What tongue is it you speak in, lady? It is not one that we here have heard before."  
  
Sense restored to her, Alakardiel sighed. "It is nothing - I merely asked how you knew my name."  
  
Celeborn smiled weakly, and began to answer. She did not hear him. At that moment, a voice, one that she had not heard before, entered her mind.   
  
"It's no use doing that, you know - there's no way that he's going to fall for you anyway. He's mine!"  
  
"Who - who are you?" Alakardiel asked silently, her eyes straying over the crowd of those gathered. Her gaze fell on one elf that was unlike the others. With long black hair that fell gracefully over her face, soulful green eyes, pale skin, and an oddly glowing necklace (magical), she could be only one thing.   
  
"You're a Sue," breathed Alakardiel.   
  
"And Legolas' one true love," snapped the Mary Sue's voice, "the lady Larimariel. Legolas and I were star-crossed lovers."  
  
"There's no way! If Legolas hasn't fallen for me and I'm in the quest, what are the chances he'll fall for you?" Alakardiel asked silently. "After all, I've learned - he's a sensible elf."  
  
"He is not!" protested the Sue. "He's my childhood sweetheart - if he's anything, it's not sensible."  
  
"He is too," retorted Alakardiel. "I should know - he's been resisting my advances ever since we left Rivendell! Besides, how can he have been your childhood sweetheart when you've clearly lived your entire life in Lothlorien? Mirkwood and Lothlorien have had no contact! He thinks you're a legend!"  
  
"I - I," the Sue said feebly, before vanishing in a puff of logic.   
  
"That's more like it," thought Alakardiel. "Now I pray that the same thing doesn't happen to me!"  
  
Next chapter - Sues/Stus volunteered from the PPC board confront Alakardiel about her tenth-member place.   
  
Pages used out of FotR: 383, 384.   
  
Reviewer replies (Because I'm feeling kind?):  
  
H.R. Fayyaz - Months later, Chapter four is up. Chapter five should be up sooner. :-)  
  
Huinesoron - Name has not changed except for on my live journal, where I'm Force of Hobbit, because WfR wouldn't fit. :o)  
  
Nightbird*Songbird - I don't believe that Elves are ever described as being smug, but this is a humor fic, so . . . *Snerk*  
  
AlmightyIshboo - I think in this instance it's okay to pity Legolas.   
  
necroangel - I'm up, I'm up - and I've updated.   
  
Umbrae - Oh, this will definitely be continued . . . *Evil grin*  
  
Fireblade K'Chona - Thank you for reviewing.   
  
Laitoste of Rivendell - Thanks!  
  
Annoying Took - There probably will be more love notes in the coming chapters. :o)  
  
Hirotani - *Bows, dwarf fashion* Thank you very much indeed . . . did you enjoy seeing your orc in here?  
  
Ekwy - Thanks; it's great to know that there are people from the PPC board that like this. :-)  
  
UnDeadGoat - Basically, yes, but in English. :-)  
  
sugaricing - Thanks for taking the time to review.   
  
serinatia - Of course I'll be writing more.   
  
Silverhill - It was a three day wait. Was it worth it?  
  
Next update . . . whenever. 


	5. The Destruction of Various Mary Sues

Disclaimer (for the final time): Look, I'm not J.R.R. Tolkien, all right? If I was, I would be a guy and dead. Obviously, I'm not. If you try to sue me for copyright violation, all you'll get is a busted computer with Windows 95 loaded on it.  
  
A/N– The Sues and Stus featured in this chapter are compliments of the following PPCers: Hellga, Jon, Jo, Nathonea, Katherine and Co., and Vemi. Jo and Nathonea's Sues are parody Sues and can be found at the URLs listed on my bio. :o)  
  
Without further ado, here is the chapter!  
  
After the run-in with Larimariel, Alakardiel was wary of who she spoke with, making sure that they were a nondescript character, and not a Mary Sue before confronting them. However, like attracts like, and it was not long before she found herself surrounded by a crowd of Mary Sues and Gary Stus.   
  
It happened two days after arriving in Lorien. Alakardiel had been walking, thinking of ways to escape from Middle Earth before the death of Boromir and the breaking of the Fellowship (she disliked running, and knew from different fics that she'd read that Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli spent quite a bit of time doing just that after Boromir's death) when they had found her. One of the Warrior Elf Stus had bound and gagged her before carrying her to a flet where the rest of authors-turned-sue were waiting for her to put in an appearance. Upon arrival, she was greeted by a number of seemingly woeful Sues and Stus, each speaking in turn, each, it seemed, trying to get her to listen to their tale, that they might draw her into their stories and warp canon even further.  
  
"Alas, and welcome, fair maid that shares our plight," lamented one Stu. "I am Matias Ar'yul, the long lost elven brother of Faramir. I am better at archery than Legolas Greenleaf, and the true love of Arwen Undomiel. Alas that I did not return to Rivendell in time to make her my wife!"   
  
Alakardiel stared at him, puzzled, then decided this was not a good idea. Taller than most elves, with black and silver eyes and wavy brown hair, he looked almost as out of place as Larimariel. "How is that possible," she asked finally.  
  
"How is what possible," Matias Ar'yul asked, sounding irked. "Did you not listen to me?"  
  
She nodded. "Yes, I did - but you don't really seem to fit into the story anywhere. Faramir was human - how can you be an elf if he isn't?"  
  
"Do not question my logic!" Matias Ar'yul sputtered. "It is simple - Denethor took an elven lover after his wife died. I am the one born of that union."  
  
"That doesn't make sense either," Alakardiel commented thoughtfully. "After all, that would make you in your thirties at most, wouldn't it? The lowest age I've ever heard an elf maturing at is fifty. Besides, Aragorn and Arwen have been loyal to each other for sixty years or so, meaning that you weren't even born when they met and pledged their love for one another."  
  
"I - I," the Stu said, indignant, before collapsing into a pile of ash.   
  
"That's interesting," remarked Alakardiel dryly. "The last one vanished in a puff of logic."  
  
"It is no matter," said a Sue, stepping forward. "He was rash, as I shall not be. Join us, Alakardiel - the last perfect beings of Tolkien's world."  
  
Alakardiel stepped back, giving the Sue a look of distaste. "Who are you, anyway?"  
  
The Sue gave her a woeful look, flipping back her sun drenched golden hair and widening her dazzling emerald eyes. "I am Katherinewen, elfin maiden and lover of Thranduil of Mirkwood," she answered mournfully, a single tear sliding down her cheek. "Alas that I was banished here by my love's parents early in the Second Age of Middle Earth, doomed to wander until my love could come to claim me again."   
  
Alakardiel snorted, and tried hard not to laugh. "I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but remember Legolas of Mirkwood?"  
  
At the name, the Sue's eyes went dark, and her (ample) bosom heaved as she sighed. "Yes, I remember. Legolas, the evil doer who cast me out of my home and into this wretched wood. Legolas, usurper of the throne of Mirkwood!" she exclaimed, flipping her hair for dramatic effect.   
  
"Um, no. Thranduil is Legolas' father, which means that either you're mistaken as to who you loved, or Thranduil was unfaithful," said Alakardiel, watching the Sue's face for any change of expression. "Besides, what do you mean, last perfect beings of Tolkien's world? What about the Valar - they may not be in Middle Earth, but they're in Tolkien's world all the same!"  
  
A loud crack resounded from Katherinewen's chest. "Oh," she exclaimed, and fell over, laying quite still.   
  
Alakardiel blinked. "What happened to her?"  
  
Another Sue stepped forward, her hair knee-length golden brown this time; her eyes constantly shifting from green to grey to blue. "Her heart broke," she remarked coolly, "as mine will not."  
  
Alakardiel resisted the urge to stick out her tongue. "What makes you say that?"  
  
The Sue smiled wryly. "It will not break, for I am betrothed to my beloved, Orophin. I am the fifth most beautiful woman in Middle Earth, my beauty surpassed only by Luthien, Arwen, Galadriel, and Celebrian. I am Celeborn's niece, the child of his brother, Galathil. I am Melindë," she proclaimed grandly.   
  
Alakardiel frowned. This Sue was almost canon. She had never read The Silmarillion, so she could not say if Galathil was real - or if he even had a daughter. Her name sounded almost like real elvish. Almost . . . it hit her what she could get the Sue on. "Your name," she remarked, as if idly. "It's not real elvish, is it?"  
  
The Sue twitched. "Yes it is - I am an elf, why would I not have an elvish name?"  
  
"Your name is no more elvish than mine is - you're nothing more than a Sue trying to pass as being real."  
  
The Sue squeaked in protest as her corporeal form began to dissolve. "You can't do this to me! I'm canon I tell you, canon!"  
  
Alakardiel smiled to herself. "Who else dares to confront me?"  
  
"I do," remarked one raven-haired Sue. "How is it that no one has thought to kill you when you are a tenth-member Sue?"  
  
Alakardiel shrugged. "Probably because I have a reasonable background and through trial and error I've learnt not to try and make Legolas fall for me."  
  
The Sue paused, at a loss for words. "Very well, then."  
  
"What's your name," inquired Alakardiel. "Or better yet, how am I to dispose of you?"  
  
The Sue rolled her clear blue-grey eyes. "I am Lindelaurinel Victoria Perewen, daughter of an unnamed yet canonical elf. I would like to thank you, for by getting rid of my contemporary, you have made it possible for me to claim my rightful place as Celeborn's niece."  
  
"Niece?" Alakardiel asked, stifling a laugh. "Then I wish you luck, for no such thing exists that I know of."  
  
The Sue let out a cry of incoherent rage as she began to dwindle away into nothing. "I'll get you for this if it's the last thing I do . . ."  
  
Her cry was cut off abruptly as Alakardiel stepped on her.  
  
A tiny waisted, big chested Sue stepped forward, flipping her lustrous golden locks, her gold rimmed green eyes flashing. "I am Arsarmwen, the true love of -"  
  
"Oh, save it, sister," snapped Alakardiel, growing tired of facing off against the Sues. "With a chest like that and a waist like that, you should snap in half, not stand up here confronting me."  
  
The Sue gasped - and promptly did just that.   
  
One of the last Mary Sues standing stepped forward. "I am Andyáviëien, more commonly known as Andy. With my horse, Starflake, I will slay you, and win the love of Legolas Greenleaf!"  
  
Alakardiel studied her appearance carefully. She had violet eyes and red hair, hair so red it looked like fire.   
  
"The eyes I can understand," muttered Alakardiel, "or at least I could if she was a fan of Brave New World. The hair, though - I don't get that."  
  
The Sue harrumphed impatiently. "I am Andy - I cannot be slain by anyone, be they mortal or immortal!"  
  
"That's rather odd," said Alakardiel in a bored voice, "as your hair seems to be made of fire and is subsequently burning you to death."  
  
The Sue glanced up at her hair, only to see that this was true. With the vaporization point of Sues being relatively low, it did not take long before Andy was no more.  
  
"Well," said Alakardiel to the last Sue and Stu. "Are you willing to face me, or would you rather die of your own accord?"  
  
The Sue and Stu took a giant step back. Alakardiel grinned. They were playing right into her trap.   
  
"So," she asked the Sue. "What's your name?"  
  
The Sue and Stu, trying desperately to avoid being slain, took another step back, and subsequently fell off the flet on which they stood, landing with a nice splat noise.   
  
"Well, that's that taken care of," remarked Alakardiel calmly, dusting off her hands. "Now if only I could get back to my business . . ."  
  
It was then that four things happened. One, Alakardiel realized that she'd forgotten to dispose of Andy's animal companion, Starflake. Two, Starflake, realizing that its owner was dead, charged at Alakardiel, knocking her off the flet, and in the process falling itself. Three, Alakardiel, instead of falling to her death, as the last Sue and Stu had done, was caught neatly by a certain Legolas Thranduillion. Four, across the various parts of Earth, a number of Suvians could be heard to scream as their Sues, without warning, were removed from various fan fiction sites on the reason that they had violated the Terms of Service.   
  
Next Chapter: Alakardiel learns the dangers of lusting after Legolas.   
  
Reviewer Replies:  
  
UndeadGoat - I didn't mean the mini-boarder. Thanks for pointing that out. :o)  
  
Megalomaniac2 - Thanks! That's probably the best compliment I've gotten on this.   
  
The Oracle At Delphi - Alakardiel will come to her senses, hopefully in the next chapter.   
  
Hirotani - Yes, you made me work. And yes, you should be proud of doing so!  
  
AlmightyIshboo - Is this soon enough for you?  
  
s n o g g I n g withdrawal - Wow - thanks!  
  
Das Blume - Thanks!   
  
Silverhill - Thank you for pointing out what you liked - hopefully the conversations with the Sues are just as good. :o)  
  
Phoenix Flight - *Takes a bow* Thanks!  
  
One question before I go - should this continue into Edoras or end with the breaking of the company? Please e-mail or leave as a lj comment any and all thoughts on this proposal. :o) 


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